I sit here tonight, my mind in turmoil. I have been reading over some of the posts that I have made in the past. One of them, MY JOURNEY, got me to thinking. For those that have read any of my posts that deal with matters pertaining to my relationship with my mother and family, my illnesses, or, for that matter, the world at large, you will have more than likely already figured some things out.
One of the key things is that I have known a lot of pain and suffering. Mayhaps not as much as some, or mayhaps more than some, but enough. Another thing that may become apparent, the more one reads of what I have chosen to share with the world at large is that I am very lacking in self confidence. Due to this, I constantly find myself seeking validation that I even have a right to exist. When one spends a lifetime of being told that they are worthless, they come to believe it. This is something that I touched on in my post, MASKS.
I am, at the time of this writing, fifty four years of age. In that time I have been ignored, reviled, mocked, scorned, hated, abused-emotionally…mentally…and yes…sometimes physically. I was told by my own mother, after I brought home a failed report card when i was eleven, that I was “too stupid to teach and too dumb to learn”…”a waste of skin and air”…and that she “wished she had drowned me at birth”. This was stated by my own mother. Any who have read my posts pertaining to her already know that she more or less ignored me during my childhood, and that she forced me to sleep with her current “flavor of the month” “companion” or she would take custody of my daughter and kick me out with nothing. You already know that she punished me when I tried to tell her when one of her other “companions” raped me, sodomized me, and forced me to go down on him when I was eight. If I have ever honestly hated anyone, it is her…and my sister.
Ah, now therein lies another story. My sister, apple of my mother’s eyes, thief of her love and affection, self appointed “behavior, attitude, appearance, and outlook nazi”…and thief of monies entrusted her by the courts when she was appointed my assigned payee.
The same person who, when she could no longer safely withdraw funds from my back pay, pawned me off onto another assigned payee, who is taking thirty five dollars a month to do practically nothing.
The same person who only gave me fifty dollars a week to live on, and only took me on two shopping trips a year, spending less than one hundred dollars each time.
The same person who took me to birthday lunches and then paid for them out of my funds, and who bought my birthday and Christmas gifts out of my own money.
The same person who lives less than five miles from me, yet, in five years, did not come to see me or call me, save for my birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas.
The same person who would invite me for the holidays, and then proceed to totally ignore me while I was there.
The same person who-knowing that I do not react well to strangers-made certain that there was a house full of them during those holidays, thus further alienating me. She disowned me a week before Thanksgiving, last year, after I confronted her about my suspicions about the back pay money.
My pain does not stop there though. Oh no, add in a daughter I damn near died twice having who took great pleasure in lying to me, and then disowned me without saying why.
As the icing on the cake, I have been trapped in a government housing project for twenty two of my fifty four years, surrounded by drunks, drug takers, drug sellers, abusers, pimps, whores and people who just sit on their backsides taking “THE MAN’S” handouts without even trying to better themselves. It is enough to drive a person mad…if they possess any sense of decency, morality, integrity, or the drive to want more…to dare to dream of a better future. I am not as they are, perhaps it would be better for my peace of mind if I were.
So, as I stated, I have been reading through some of my older posts, trying to edit them based on new knowledge of writing skills that I have gained through the working with of my new copy editor. Many of those same posts will be gradually edited based on that new knowledge. So I will apologize now to any who might read them in their current format. I fear that at the time they were written, I was rather lax from a punctuation standpoint. All I can do is throw myself on the mercy of my readers, whatever few those might be, and pray that they will bear in mind that about ninety five percent of those posts were done when I was either extremely manic or very depressed. You can always tell the manic ones, for the entire paragraphs are usually one long “freight trained” sentence! (Uh, I might add, that is exactly how I talk in real life as well when I am manic.)
Anyway, back on track. As I stated, when I read my post MY JOURNEY, it got me to thinking-who exactly am I? Am I the woman who has known enough pain and rejection to embitter her for the rest of her life? Or am I the stubborn woman who refuses to validate every negative thing that my family and the world at large has ever said about me?
One would think, given what I have endured in my life, that I would be hard, bitter, hateful, yet I am not. Well, let me amend that, I AM bitter about a lot of things, I would not be human if I did not hold some resentment for the pain and rejection that I have known in my life. Believe me, I am no saint, far from it. I can be extremely vindictive and hateful when I am lied to or crossed. But for the most part, I try very hard not to inflict on others the pain that I myself have known. I have a saying that I devised: ONE WHO HAS FELT THE STING OF THE LASH ON THEMSELVES IS FAR MORE RELUCTANT TO USE IT ON ANOTHER. If you stop and think about it, it is true.
When I look in the mirror these days, I find that I like myself a little better than I used to, for I am finally realizing that I do have things to offer, despite my illness. Now let’s just hope the world will see those things and accept my stories with more grace than it has ever accepted me.
Special notice to those currently following me: Many of the posts that I have already made will be undergoing changes in the coming days. I just ask that you bear with me.
The woman in the mirror is smiling, for she is growing, and she is learning to give herself the love that no one else will.
marantha d. jenelle