PAIN

HOW DOES ONE RESOLVE THE ISSUES THAT MADE THEM WHO THEY ARE?

THE PAIN, THE GRIEF, THE NEGLECT, THE ABSOLUTE AGONY OF SPENDING A LIFETIME OF BEING SEEN AS UNWORTHY, UNWANTED, USELESS, WORTHLESS?

HOW DOES ONE COPE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THEIR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD WOULD TURN ON THEM?

HOW DOES ONE DEAL WITH THE UTTER DESPAIR OF HAVING A CHILD THAT THEY DIED TWICE TRYING TO GIVE LIFE TO TELLING THEM THAT THEY ARE DEAD TO THEM?

HOW CAN ONE MAINTAIN EVEN A SEMBLANCE OF HOPE IN A WORLD IN WHICH THEY HAVE BEEN GIVEN NO CAUSE TO BELIEVE IN IT?

IN THEMSELVES?

HOW CAN ONE HAVE ANY HOPE, OR FAITH, OR BELIEF IN ANYTHING IN A WORLD WHERE THEY HAVE LITTLE TO NO MONEY, WHERE THEY LIVE UNDER RESTRICTIONS THAT CHOKE THE ONLY THING THAT THEY COULD TURN TO TO HELP THEMSELVES, WHO HAVE FEW TO NO FRIENDS, WHO HAVE BEEN LITTLE MORE THAN A PRISONER FOR OVER HALF OF THEIR LIFE IN A PLACE WHERE THE WALLS ARE INVISIBLE ONES OF POVERTY, LONELINESS AND DESPAIR?

I NO LONGER HAVE HOPE, I NO LONGER BELIEVE IN ANYTHING.

I MERELY DRIFT THROUGH WHAT REMAINS OF MY TIME ON THIS MISERABLE WORLD, ALONE, AS I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ALONE.

PERHAPS THEY HAVE ALL BEEN RIGHT, ALL THOSE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE THAT HAVE MOCKED ME, REVILED ME, RIDICULED ME, PUT ME DOWN, STOMPED ON MY DREAMS UNTIL THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT BUT DUST BLOWING IN THE WIND OF A FATE THAT HAS HELD NOTHING BUT PAIN AND DESPAIR.

AFTER ALL, HOW CAN SO MANY BE WRONG?

PERHAPS I AM SO BAD I DO NOT DESERVE EVEN A SHRED OF HAPPINESS, A TINY NANO-SECOND OF PEACE, A MOMENT OF TRUE ACCEPTANCE AS MYSELF, WITH ALL OF MY FAULTS AND FAILINGS.

YES, THAT MUST BE IT, I DO NOT DESERVE ANY OF THE GOOD THINGS. I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING VERY HORRIBLE IN A PAST LIFE TO HAVE KNOWN SO MUCH DESPAIR IN THIS ONE.

AND NO, THIS IS NOT A SUICIDE NOTE.

YOU SEE, LIFE EVEN SCREWED ME ON THAT ONE. IT LET ME BE GIVEN JUST ENOUGH OF A CHRISTIAN UPBRINGING TO INSTILL THE FACT THAT SUICIDE IS THE ONE SIN AN UNFORGIVING AND COLD HEARTED GOD WILL NOT FORGIVE YOU FOR.

A GOD I NO LONGER BELIEVE IN, FOR NOT ONCE HAS HE GIVEN ME CAUSE TO.

IN THE END, I AM DENIED EVEN THE COMFORT OF HAVING THE STRENGTH TO END IT, TO STOP THE PAIN.

SO I ENDURE, SOMEHOW, SECOND TO SECOND, DAY BY DAY, TRYING IN THE VAIN ILLUSION THAT I EVEN HAVE TALENTS OR WORTH.

I HAVE SPENT A LIFETIME TRYING TO BE KIND TO OTHERS, EVEN TO THE POINT OF SHARING THINGS I NEEDED MYSELF.

AND WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN IN RETURN? WHAT?

WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN FROM A LIFETIME OF “TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK”…OF “FORGIVING MY FELLOWMAN WHEN THEY DID ME WRONG”…OF TRYING TO BE A GOOD PERSON?

I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I HAVE GOTTEN.

I HAVE GOTTEN A MOTHER WHO TURNED HER BACK AND HEART TO ME THE DAY MY SISTER WAS BORN.

I HAVE GOTTEN A FIRST HUSBAND WHO STARTED SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN LESS THAN ONE WEEK AFTER OUR WEDDING, THEN KICKED ME OUT WHEN I REFUSED TO LET HIM MOVE HER IN WHEN I WAS SIX MONTHS PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD…

AND SHE WAS THREE.

I HAVE GOTTEN A SECOND HUSBAND WHO TRIED TO DROWN ME, WHO BEAT ME BADLY ENOUGH WITH A BELT BUCKLE THAT IT LEFT BRUISES IN THE SHAPE OF THE EAGLE THAT HAD BEEN ON THAT BUCKLE ACROSS MY SHOULDERS AND BACK FOR NEARLY A MONTH, WHO ALLOWED HIS BROTHER WHO LIVED WITH US TO PIN ME TO A WALL WITH HIS ARM ACROSS MY THROAT SIMPLY BECAUSE I BURNED SUPPER…

AND HE STOOD THERE AND DID AND SAID NOTHING…

AND WHO HELD A GUN TO MY HEAD AND THREATENED TO KILL ME IF I DID NOT STOP SMOKING.

I HAVE GOTTEN A CHILD THAT NEARLY COST ME MY LIFE TWICE JUST TO GIVE HER HERS WHO JUST TWO WEEKS AGO TOLD ME THAT I WAS DEAD TO HER, NEVER TO CONTACT HER AGAIN, AND THAT I WAS TO NEVER SEEK TO SEE MY ONLY GRANDCHILD OR SHE WOULD FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER ON ME.

I HAVE GOTTEN AN ILLNESS THAT PUTS ME IN A POSITION IN WHICH I DO NOT EVEN HAVE CONTROL OF MY OWN FINANCES…A POSITION IN WHICH I AM BOUND BY RULES THAT WILL KEEP ME A PRISONER TILL THE DAY I DIE…A POSITION WHERE THE ONLY MEANS BY WHICH I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP MYSELF ARE DENIED ME DUE TO RULES AND REGULATIONS.

HOW CAN I BELIEVE IN HOPE, LOVE, FAITH, OR GOD, WHEN NONE OF THOSE THINGS HAVE EVER DONE ONE DAMN THING TO HELP ME IN MY PAIN?

HOW CAN I BELIEVE IN ANYTHING….

WHEN THERE IS NOTHING LEFT.

SO I WRITE, FOR THE COMPUTER DOES NOT JUDGE ME, IT DOES NOT MOCK ME, OR IGNORE ME, OR REVILE ME, IT IS AN IMPARTIAL LISTENER IN A WORLD WHERE I AM SCREAMING IN SILENCE.

FEAR

I WROTE A BLOG POST YESTERDAY THAT MAY HAVE COME ACROSS AS RATHER SELF-PITYING, BUT IT WAS MORE AN OUTPOURING OF CONFUSION. I NO LONGER KNOW WHO I EVEN AM ANY MORE. I HAVE TRIED SO HARD ALL OF MY LIFE TO BE ACCEPTED, AND ALWAYS FAILED. I HAVE BEEN DISCARDED BY MY MOTHER, DISOWNED BY MY CHILD, CHEATED ON AND DISCARDED IN FAVOR OF ANOTHER BY ONE HUSBAND AND NEARLY DROWNED, BEATEN AND THREATENED WITH DEATH BY A SECOND, RAPED TWICE, FORCED TO SLEEP WITH MY MOTHER’S BOYFRIEND TO KEEP THE VERY CHILD THAT DESPISES ME, AND IT LEAVES ME WONDERING IF I AM EVER GOING TO KNOW EVEN A TOUCH OF HUMAN KINDNESS, ACCEPTANCE, UNDERSTANDING, COMPASSION OR LOVE.

I HAVE BEEN TAKEN FROM MY HOME, PUT WITH STRANGERS, CAST AWAY FROM THEM FOR SOMETHING THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT AND PLACED IN A PLACE WHERE I WAS KEPT MEDICATED, MY THOUGHTS NO LONGER MY OWN, A PLACE WHERE I WAS NEARLY CHOKED TO DEATH, WHERE I HAD SOMEONE TRY TO SET MY BED ON FIRE, WHERE I HAD A CIGARETTE GROUND OUT IN MY FACE WHILE THE VERY ONES WHO WERE SUPPOSED TO BE PROTECTING ME STOOD THERE AND EGGED MY ATTACKER ON, THROWN IN A FOUR BY FOUR CELL FOR TWO WEEKS WHILE BOTH STAFF AND PATIENTS MOCKED ME AND I WAS ALLOWED NO WATER UNLESS THEY DEEMED ME WORTHY OF IT, WHERE WHEN THEY BROUGHT MY FOOD IT WAS SO LACED WITH SALT I COULD NOT EAT IT.

SO MANY NEGATIVE THINGS HAVE TOUCHED MY LIFE AND SO FEW GOOD, THAT IT IS LIKE I AM A WALKING CONTAINER OF PAIN.

I HAVE HAD PEOPLE ADVISE ME TO LET GO OF THE PAST AND LOOK FORWARD TO THE FUTURE, BUT WHAT KIND OF FUTURE DO I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO WHEN IF I TRULY COULD LET GO OF THE PAIN, NOTHING WOULD BE LEFT, FOR PAIN IS ALL THAT I AM.

WHAT WOULD FILL THAT VOID?

MORE PAIN?

I HAVE NO HOPE AND NO FAITH, IN ANYTHING, LEFT.

I GUESS I WILL JUST HAVE TO DO MY SENTENCE IN THIS MISERABLE LIFE AND HOPE AND PRAY THE NEXT ONE WILL BE BETTER, FOR I DO NOT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO END IT NOW, BUT I SERIOUSLY BEGIN TO WONDER IF I WOULD RESIST IF OTHERS DID. I NO LONGER CARE. I DELUDE MYSELF WITH THE BELIEF I CAN CHANGE THINGS, THAT I CAN HAVE A SMALL CHANCE OF A BETTER LIFE.

BUT THAT FAINT HOPE FADES WITH EACH PASSING DAY. SO LITTLE REMAINS THAT I AM EVEN BEGINNING TO CONSIDER JUST SIMPLY SITTING HERE IN THIS PLACE THAT HAS BEEN LITTLE MORE THAN A PRISON FOR NEARLY TWENTY ONE YEARS, SURROUNDED BY DRUG SELLERS, DRUG TAKERS, WIFE BEATERS, DRUNKS, PIMPS AND WHORES.

HOW CAN HOPE SURVIVE IN THAT KIND OF ENVIRONMENT?

SO MUCH PAIN, SO MUCH DESPAIR…

IF IT IS GONE, WHAT WILL BE LEFT OF ME?

FIGHTING BACK

YOU KNOW, FOLKS, MY MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER USED TO ACCUSE ME OF BEING STUBBORN AND STRONG WILLED, OF BEING HARD HEADED, OF HOLDING ONTO RESENTMENT AND ANGER WHEN SOMEONE HURT ME.

WELL, I AM ABOUT TO PROVE JUST HOW DAMN STUBBORN I CAN BE.

I HAVE DONE NOTHING BUT READ THE TWO POSTS THAT I MADE, “PAIN” AND “FEAR” ALL DAY LONG TODAY…

AND THINK.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAME TO SOME RATHER STARTLING CONCLUSIONS.

I AM GIVING THAT UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BESOM OF AN OFFSPRING OF MINE EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS BY LETTING HER WORDS TEAR ME APART AND DESTROY WHAT LITTLE BELIEF IN MYSELF THAT I HAD LEFT.

I HAVE BEEN LETTING HER HURT ME OVER AND OVER AND OVER WITH EVERY DAY THAT PASSED WHEN I WOULD SIT HERE, TRYING TO FULFILL MY DREAM, MY PAIN AND RAGE BLOCKING THE WORDS…

AND IT STOPS NOW, BECAUSE I REALIZED SOMETHING.

I CANNOT MAKE HER LOVE ME, RESPECT ME, WANT ME IN HER LIFE, FOR NONE OF US HAS THE POWER TO CONTROL ANOTHER PERSON’S ACTIONS…

BUT WE CAN CONTROL OUR REACTIONS TO THOSE ACTIONS.

FOR TWO WEEKS I HAVE LET HER WORDS TEAR ME APART, LET HER ATTITUDE AND ACTIONS CAUSE ME ENDLESS MISERY AND SELF DOUBT, LET HER DISREGARD FOR MY FEELINGS DRAG ME INTO A DEPRESSION SO DEEP THAT I NEARLY GAVE UP ALL HOPE.

AH, BUT THE KEY WORD THERE IS “NEARLY”, FOR THERE IS ONE THING ABOUT BEING STUBBORN AND HARD HEADED, IT COMES IN DAMN HANDY WHEN YOU ARE PISSED OFF ENOUGH TO WANT TO FIGHT BACK.

AND I AM PISSED OFF AND I AM FIGHTING BACK. I NEARLY LET THAT UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BITCH STEAL THE ONE THING THAT IS MINE, MY TALENT. MY GRIEF AND PAIN AT WHAT SHE DID HAS KEPT ME FROM FOLLOWING MY DREAM, CAST A SHADOW ON MY HEART AND BLINDED ME TO SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE REALIZED DAYS AGO…

THE BEST WAY I CAN MAKE HER REGRET HER CALLOUS ATTITUDE IS TO SUCCEED, DESPITE HER.

A VERY DEAR FRIEND TOLD ME JUST TODAY WHEN WE WERE CHATTING AND I SHARED THE PAIN I AM IN AND TOLD THEM THAT THE ONLY GOOD THING THAT HAS COME OF THIS IS THAT I WAS SO MANIC LAST NIGHT THAT I ACTUALLY WROTE THREE AND A HALF CHAPTERS ON MY CURRENT WORK IN PROGRESS, THAT WORKING ON THE BOOK WAS THE ONLY TIME THAT I WAS NOT HURTING.

UP UNTIL LAST NIGHT, THAT IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE FELT LIKE WRITING, BUT LAST NIGHT I COULDN’T STOP.

AND DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT DROVE ME?

PAIN AND RAGE.

PAIN AND RAGE AT THE BETRAYAL OF A CHILD I NEARLY DIED TWICE GIVING LIFE, A CHILD THAT NEARLY SUCCEEDED IN KILLING MY DREAM.

AND EVEN GREATER RAGE AT MYSELF FOR LETTING HER NEARLY SUCCEED.

THAT SPECIAL FRIEND ADVISED ME TO LET THAT PAIN AND RAGE BRING ME THROUGH THIS, JUST AS IT DID WHEN I WROTE LAST NIGHT.

I HAVE ONE RATHER NASTY TRAIT, I AM VINDICTIVE AS HELL WHEN SOMEONE HURTS ME.

LIFE IS A MOBIUS STRIP, SOONER OR LATER WE END UP BACK AT THE BEGINNING.

I WILL FINISH THIS BOOK, AND THE OTHER SIX  I HAVE IDEAS FOR AS WELL, AND TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, THERE WILL COME A TIME WHEN SHE IS GOING TO NEED ME…

AND I AM GOING TO DERIVE THE GREATEST PLEASURE IN TELLING HER TO GO STRAIGHT TO HELL.

AND I CURSE HER TO BE IN THE SAME EXACT POSITION IN WHICH SHE HAS PLACED ME…

THAT THE SAME WORDS SHE SAID TO ME ARE SAID TO HER BY HER DAUGHTER…

THAT SHE BE IN THE SAME POSITION I AM CURRENTLY IN-POOR, FEW TO NO FRIENDS, NO ONE TO TURN TO…

I CURSE HER THAT HER CHILD GIVE HER SO MUCH GRIEF IT PUSHES HER TO THE SAME EDGE SHE VERY NEARLY PUSHED ME…

THAT SHE SUFFER HARDSHIP, TRIALS, AND MISERY, JUST AS I HAVE DONE.

I CURSE HER TO NEVER BEING ABLE TO HOLD A DECENT JOB…

TO ONLY BE ABLE TO EARN MINIMUM WAGE OR LESS…

TO HAVING TO WORRY WHERE HER NEXT MEAL IS COMING FROM…

TO WONDERING HOW SHE IS GOING TO COVER THE BILLS…

TO DOING WITHOUT…

TO SUFFERING.

YOU SEE, FOLKS, I AM GOING TO FIGHT BACK BY DOING THE ONE THING SHE DOES NOT WANT ME TO DO…SUCCEED.

I MORE THAN LIKELY WON’T BE POSTING MUCH FOR A WHILE AFTER THIS ONE, AS I WILL BE TOO BUSY FINISHING MY CURRENT BOOK, FORMING A QUERY LETTER AND TRYING TO FIND AN AGENT.

BUT I WILL KEEP IN TOUCH.

MY DAYS AS A VICTIM ARE OVER.

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About MARANTHA DREAMWEAVER JENELLE

WRITER'S USE WORDS TO PAINT PICTURES ON THE CANVASES OF THEIR READER'S MINDS. marantha d. jenelle/aka 'maradjen'

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